doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize