Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
