some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
