if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
