Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
