How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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