Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
