I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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