You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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