And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
did i just pee glitter
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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