Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
