Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
