he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
