I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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