she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
