I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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