I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
