anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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