also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
