If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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