Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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