Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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