happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
