you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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