You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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