I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
