Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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