a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
