Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
