today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
