ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
