today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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