Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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