Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
