I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
