you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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