I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
