God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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