I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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