just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
