Plan B is the new Plan A
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
