I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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