I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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