Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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