If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I pour the whiskey from now on
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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