I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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