Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize