Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
