My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
