in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
