People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
