omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
