Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
