This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
