I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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