the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize