your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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