it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Found the puke drawer
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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