I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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