i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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