What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
