Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
