Is it normal to miss your booty call?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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