white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
