I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
