She said her name was "party"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
